Quieting the negative voices from my past has become my superpower. Growing up in the seventies, is much different than now. There were more secrets within families. Abuse was hidden for fear of making things worse or retaliation. “We swept things under the carpet.”
I grew up in a small town in Florida. There wasn’t anywhere you could go without seeing someone you knew. Funny thing is that know one really knew me. I was good at pretending and being an introvert helped. I didn’t have many friends and I surely didn’t want what friends I did have coming over in fear that they might find out my secrets. My family was very dysfunctional. I suffered abuse in many forms - physical, mental and sexual. The physical abuse could usually be hidden. I would go to school with bruises and nobody would ask any questions. Sexual abuse was hidden out of fear. The worst form of abuse to get over for me was the mental abuse. “You will never amount to anything, you are unworthy, unlovable, you make me sick.” These are the echoes I heard for many years. It took me a long time to figure out that these were things that were thought about themselves and I was just the pawn.
Despite all of these things, I chose to become a loving wife, mother and friends to others. These experiences made me who I am today and for that I am grateful. You may ask, “how can I be grateful?” It is simple to me, I chose not to become the things I was taught. I chose to silent the voices in my head. I have loved the same man since I was 19 years old. Together we have raised two beautiful, happy, healthy, productive children that know without a doubt they are loved and worthy of all things. I chose a profession that helps others. Being a nurse has blessed my life by allowing me to be part of other families at there best and the worst of times. Helping someone into this world is an amazing feeling. Helping someone leave this world with dignity and grace and making sure they are not alone can be heartbreaking, but knowing that I made a difference is rewarding.
Being an author, gives me the platform to touch lives also. Not in the same sense as nursing, but it allows me to create characters that have been broken and beaten down by situations, yet they turn out to be beautiful people. They can be loving and caring despite how they have been treated. They can overcome anything and have their happy ending. I know that what I write is fictional, but I am sure there are plenty of people who can relate to some part of their trauma.
I say all of this not to receive pity. I don’t need pity. I am happy, well adjusted, loved and fearless. Well, maybe not always fearless, I still have a few left over insecurities. Anyway, I wanted to share my story to show people that have suffered abuse, that our life is about choices. We can chose to follow what we have been taught or we can quiet the voices in our heads and become the person we really want to be. Don’t let bad choices at someone else’s hand or mouth define you. Define yourself. Make life happen on your terms. Be fearless and make those echoes of voices soundless.